An open letter to the world of soccer

Dear Soccer,

I’ve been a fan of yours from way back, like, 2006. It’s great to see all my friends jumping on the World Cup bandwagon, but I want you to know that when the WC is over and all the hype has died away, I’ll still be here. I’ll probably be alone, but I’ll be here.

Soccer, please don’t take it personally, the USA’s eventual abandonment of you. It’s not you, it’s us. We are a fickle people, easily distracted by bright, shiny objects. Even now, as we’re enjoying your company, basking in our time together, we’re looking ahead to the next thing– the MLB All-Star game, NFL training camp, whatever. It’s just how we’re made.

I know it’s hard for you to understand. You’ve got so many devoted followers around the world. You’re worth it, Soccer, really you are. But maybe there are a few things you could do to help us keep the relationship fresh and postpone the inevitable. Here are some ideas:

A Theme Song. We need a song, our song, one just for us. Do you remember the Superbowl Shuffle? Of course not. Well, it was a catchy little tune that the Chicago Bears came up with to help boost them to success in the 1985 Superbowl. The Kentucky Wildcats from my own beloved home state come onto the home court of every game with a song that has become their signature song. It’s the UK song. If it has another name, that name was long ago forgotten, and now it’s just the UK song. To use another Chicago example, the Cubs have “Take Me out to the Ball Game.” People love the Cubs! I assure you, it is not because they are a winning team. Is it the song? Could be.

Cheerleaders. it’s passé, I realize, but you’ve got to get some cheerleaders. I know, I know, you’re classier than that. You’re a sports purist and you refuse to resort to Dallas Cowboys style T and A on the field. I get it. Not only that, I applaud it. But seriously, you’ve got to get something happening down on the field besides just the game. It’s hard to understand, but Americans don’t enjoy sports for the competition or athleticism. It’s the spectacle and the pageantry that we dig.

A Halftime Show. It’s really not that difficult, just get some old, out-of-date entertainers to roll out some oldies but goodies halfway through the match. If that doesn’t work, there’s the always reliable wardrobe malfunction to fall back on. If all else fails, just shoot off some fireworks. We really go in for fireworks. We’ve made colorful explosives the central point of one of our most sacred national holidays. It’s the sole reason some of us ever go to sporting events.

Soccer, am I really asking too much? Isn’t our relationship worth it? You’ve got so much depth and inner beauty, I’d hate to see it go to waste because you refuse to accept the importance of superficiality.

Yours Forever,
A True Fan

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