Christmas Crazy, the Published Author Edition

Actually, this post has nothing to do with me being a published author; I just like saying it. With my debut novel, The Star Prophecy, finished and live on Amazon and Barnes and Noble, I finally had some time to Christmas shop. As usual, I was shocked and appalled by much of what I saw.

My first stop was at a sporting goods store to buy socks for my husband. Don’t worry, I can’t keep a secret to save myself, so he knew about them two seconds after I bought them. They’re hiking socks, but Argyle. Cool, no? Anyway, that wasn’t the shocking thing I saw. A man came in with his dog and appeared to be complaining that the dog toy he’d purchased was defective because his dog had already chewed it up. His dog was an Airedale Terrier. I could have ridden this dog home. Seriously, it was huge! Unless Dude wanted to spring for a bowling ball, there’s no toy this dog wouldn’t be able to decimate. I did get to pet the dog, who was super friendly, and that made me all kinds of happy. Also, I do give a huge high five to the store for letting people bring in their pets.

At this same store, I saw a pair of UGG boots for infants. They were $99. $99! For baby shoes! I don’t know what appalls me more, that the store has the nerve to charge that or that parents are ridiculous enough to pay it. These were baby shoes, as in for a newborn baby. Baby will fit in those boots for approximately three days. Assuming Baby doesn’t outgrow them, Baby will lose them. Clearly, the shoes are being marketed to first-time parents, because if you’ve parented an infant for more than six minutes, you know that they have Houdini-like powers when it comes to escaping from footwear. Come January, there will be a 23-year-old mom somewhere pushing a baby in a stroller and that baby will be wearing one UGG boot and merrily waving one bare foot in the air, and some grizzled mother of four will walk by and smirk because she knows that other boot is long gone. Possibly, if first-time mom is lucky, it will be discovered underneath the backseat of the minivan next July.

Seriously. $99 for baby shoes? I’m stunned nearly to speechlessness.

I said nearly.

And then I went to the mall. I am allergic to the mall. Any mall. All malls. They are all the same. My dislike of shopping is such that I once realized I wore the exact same outfit for Christmas three years in a row. We have the pictures to prove it. So now, I drag myself to the mall once a year to buy a new Christmas outfit. You know what I found out? It doesn’t matter how much weight you’ve gained or lost, the stores will still not have your size in the thing you want. Did Newton come up with a law of shopping? Because I’m telling you, that one is universal. The other thing I noticed about the mall is that the music in the mall only sounds good in the mall. I heard some thumping, pumping song and thought ‘how catchy,’ then we got in the car and I heard the same song and it was like getting a root canal. What’s up with that?

Why are all holiday clothes for little boys sweaters or sweater vests that they will complain about endlessly, and all clothes for little girls are sleeveless or have little cap sleeves that will leave them shivering from cold? I do not understand this. It makes no sense, but I am certain that in all the pictures from my family’s Christmas party, there’ll be my five-year-old son in dress pants and an undershirt and my two-year-old daughter, wrapped up in a blanket she stole from the dog’s bed.

And then, mercifully, we left the mall. I wanted a Starbucks. I needed a Starbucks! But there was no parking and the drive-thru line reached all the way to the street. Honestly, do people not have jobs anymore? I know all of those people can’t be published authors. Like I am.

Nope, saying it just never gets old.

Happy Holidays!

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Posted in Life Between the Lines
4 comments on “Christmas Crazy, the Published Author Edition
  1. Skye says:

    LOL! You crack me up! I love the part about the baby with one UGG boot and the mother of four who smirks. I wonder how you got to be a published writer, hmm? Oh yeah … because you are a great writer! 🙂

    Cap sleeves? Really? I remember little girls Christmas dresses in red velvet, with long sleeves and faux fur around the cuffs and collar. Heck, when I was three (before dirt), I had a black velvet suit with a long-sleeved shirt, and that was in Southern California (before it was 70 degrees all winter long … yeah, that long ago). I’m appalled that some group of fashion designers is making stoopid design choices for little girls’ clothing. (And little boys aren’t allowed to have creative clothing choices in our country, so they get stuck with sweaters and sweater vests, poor things.)

    Well I just downloaded your book from Amazon. I’ve been so busy that I forgot. Glad I saw your post in my blogfeed.

    And remember to refer to yourself as a published writer as much as possible! I’ve heard it causes endorphins, and as a busy mother of two little ones, you definitely need all the endorphins you can get!

  2. Thanks Skye! I hope you like the book.
    It is my theory that fashion designers sit in tasteful beige offices and laugh uncontrollably about the crazy crap they can make us wear. And you know, I think I had that same red velvet dress. What I wouldn’t give to have it now for my daughter. Instead we’ve got purple cap sleeves with silver sparkles. Sheesh.

  3. I feel you on the holiday clothes for kids. My daughter will be wearing a long sleeved knit dress and leggings that I bought in September. It’s gray with some red on it. She will be comfortable and happy playing in the floor with no spangles or furry things to annoy her and she won’t freeze in the satin halter tops and shit they market for toddlers.

    Gymboree has cute stuff for boys but it all costs the goddam moon.

  4. londonmabel says:

    lol I work at a thrift store and see those kinds of baby shoes/kids shoes come in, and shake my head. (Though–that’s where one should buy them! Go thrift…)

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